24 June, 2010

Just because it is there….

A lot of my friends are going to hate me for this (especially the girls who could probably introduce me to ‘the one’ someday…or to ‘ones that lead up to The one’)…but what is it with women and make up at weddings? I find myself at this age where most of the folks I know are getting married or engaged. And thanks to facebook, we get to share fond memories of all their special moments at the wedding. Unfortunately, the lateral thinker and observer in me notices ‘the make-up’ which seems to have exploded on the faces of all the brides.

And these are very good looking women ( and I am not just saying that for brownie points) who look very presentable without make up or light make up, who for some odd reason decided that just because it was their one special day (I hope it stops at one….I will die thinking of a gift if I have to attend a second wedding….. can I get the same thing in a different colour? Ooops…I digress), and just because they have paid that ‘make-up’ person type thing to be there, they need value for money…sooooo….put it all on. All the photos have brides who are a deadly shade of white thanks to the foundation and shades of pink blush (or green on a friend whose make up person obviously was colour blind) and some shiny type thingy. Either all the make-up artists in India suck, or it’s a conspiracy by this one dude to see if someone notices his/her work.

Imagine this, a wedding in Chennai (my cousin’s) where it was hot as hell…people are already sweating, and she decided that make up might make things better. Scenario was not thought of completely. Gallons of foundation to make her resemble a corpse and then blinding lights to make her….ahem…glow (in the dark…lol…that would be cool though) and she’s sweating all the more. And the reason she gave was “I put that all on because …well…it was there…and I like make-up”. I think all dames at weddings, who’ve entrusted work to a make-up guy are somewhat like me at a buffet. Why do I eat so much at buffets… “oh well…because it’s there…all that food…value for money”. Analogy gone awry. But oh so true.

Ladies, please take some advice from this very objective observer (PS: I am single….so I have all the right to be objective), DO NOT put on make up on your wedding day just because it is there. If you look good with minimum make-up , so be it. Your mummy and all those aunties, and that evil elder cousin sister who is jealous that you are getting married before her might tell you that you look ‘soooooooooo pretty’. They’re lying. They are in cahoots with all these blog writers who will write about how they took your pretty face and removed the adjective. (Just an example…no…your elder sister did not pay me…either in cash…or kind…or’ Ya know’). I can understand if you’re the types who believe they’ve got some sort of inferiority complex and that hiding behind a veil of make-up will make you look like the next best thing after Gul Panag, but no….don’t be mistaken. The whole point of wearing make up is to look like you are not wearing make up….or so I’ve heard in some chick flick that I was tricked into going.

20 June, 2010

For your eyes only…..NOT!!!!

How many people reading this blog have either relatives ,friends…or the worst of all, office colleagues who stand right behind you and read whatever you are reading on the computer screen (or in my case laptop….muhahaha….the sign of a prosperous corporate slave)???? You know…the kind that sneaks up behind you, puts their head right behind your neck and breathe so close to you that you can feel it and then they go, “ Arey Bhai !!! Kya pad rahe ho????” (Translation: Dude…what are you reading?) And then begin to read out loud whatever the text on your screen…just in case you forgot what you learnt at primary school.

We all have these lovely delightful people in our lives….at work, at home, at college, or even the internet parlor. I’m going to focus on some folks who’ve assumed that office principles like ‘collaboration’ or ‘sharing’ are to be taken seriously, who annoy me a lot. Look, I don’t open face book on the office laptop, I don’t have pictures of my girlfriend(imaginary one) in a bathing suit on my laptop….In fact, I don’t have pictures of anyone in a bathing suit on my laptop…oh wait! Have forgotten about recent trip where I thought the moderate dieting and exercising made me worthy of being an extra on 300, after which I decided to put on my swim trunks.( No! It’s not a Speedo in case you were thinking it). So what is it that you’re trying to see?

“ Arey Bhai! What is this? You are reading article on… (put in one of those new-fangled IT things….okay we’ll use CRM for now)”…..Rewrite,” Arey Bhai!!! You are reading an article on CRM! Wah Wah! You must teach me some day!”. Wow, I almost did not feel you breathing next to my ear at proximity of less than an inch. Dude! Not so close…people may think we’re in love! Also, that garlic chicken you had for lunch is really strong. I secretly know some of the people like to know what you are reading because they don’t want you having that extra bit of knowledge which you may use to your advantage at the review meeting where you may go, “ I believe from my extensive research and secondary data analysis that our business is ideally suited to expand into the CRM realm where I believe, looking at trends generated from Gartner report of 2010, CRM app support is on the up!!!” then throw up a couple of nifty slides courtesy Powerpoint and watch the bosses go Ooooooh!!!! Aaaaah!!!! For heavens’ sake…stop being such a pain.

These folks are nice people otherwise, except that their insecurity makes me want to tie a bell around their neck. A person’s laptop is their own. You have the right to catch a glance…especially if he’s reading a report that has some awesome photos of these office type babes in suggestive formals. But at no point are you allowed to bring your face within 10 inches of his face (Ladies…exceptions) and even then, please do not read out loud to me. My parents taught me to read…and write too…not that I did much with either of those skills...but that’s a different matter. I am an ordinary person, and I have nothing to hide…but please, for heavens sake, stop creeping up on people and reading their screens.

I guess it’s this very ‘Indian’ thing to be more interested in what your neighbor is doing than what’s going on in your own house. Following very common dialogues at almost all homes, “ Did you know? Mrs.Mishra’s daughter ran away with one boy from a different religion to get married?” “ Did you know that pappu got thrown out of class today for not doing homework?” “Did you know, that newly wed couple is buying a new car?” “Did you know? They can’t find a girl for that boy. He has started drinking…” so on and so forth. And I believe it is this domestic habit that has translated into the work place where most people can’t seem to focus on their work, but on the work (or facebook profile) of others. Humph!!!

19 June, 2010

But I don’t want to clap for you

It’s a fairly annoying thing as to how people expect us to behave in public forums. And the most annoying thing is faking joy or happiness for another person when the person is either someone you don’t know or is someone who is a competitor. I don’t mean to sound like a Grinch, so allow me to explain the scenario. I was recently at a raffle draw where the prizes up for grabs were ipod, iphone and blackberry in that order. Now, lady luck as always was rotten and well…putting it quite plainly, I did not win. The entire audience was cheering for the dude who won a blackberry and the bimbo who won the iphone. And I don’t get why one would even do that. It’s not like there was a’ duel to the death’ sort of thing where one must applaud the victor’s effort, or acknowledge the loser for putting up a good fight. It was a matter of chance and chance favored someone else.

And I wanted the Iphone. I am not happy for you and see no reason why I must applaud your winning the iphone… that too in a game of chance. The same applies to things like award ceremonies. I sort of understand why actors practice their ‘loser-clap’…you know …the one where they sheepishly smile.nod politely and clap for the winner as though he/she deserved to win and they did not want the prize. (Thinking the episode in F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Joey is up for some TV award and expresses his displeasure at not winning….that ladies and gentlemen is the way it should be. Given a chance, you stab the winner in the back alley and run away with their phone. I would not do that, but just a thought worth sharing for the really poor and desperate types.

So I will not clap for you if it was not a fair fight. Okay! If there was a race, we ran…wait…I ran???? Okay…bad example. There was a tandoori chicken eating contests and you beat me by about 5 seconds, then yes…I have every right to acknowledge your superiority, and I will clap for you at the felicitation ceremony. I can even share the joy of a friend winning at a competition where I never participated. I am not emotionally involved. But I still don’t get why I must be polite just because society expects me to clap for you winning an Iphone in a lucky draw contest. I WILL NOT BE HAPPY FOR YOU! I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!

PS: For those trying to read between the lines, I want an iphone. 3G model will be alright too. Will clap for anyone like a baby sea-lion if they were to gift me one (foreign based friends....are you listening?).

15 June, 2010

The sweet smell of IT…or was that lunch?

Well, today was my first some-what big IT conference. Organized at the ever-so-fancy ITC Gardenia hotel, the conference was on Cloud Computing and was…guess what …FREE!!! So, I as always was eager to attend these conference type thingies to get to network with folks from other companies and learn a lot of new stuff. I kid, I go for freebies like cheap paper bags, key chains and the ever so famous lunches and snack. (PS: If the bosses are reading this…I kid…I learnt a lot…when I was awake!) So there I am, prompt as always at the venue to survey all the stalls (for free goodies)…learn a thing or two from our competitors before they find out who I am…and the all-so-famous business card exchange. Yes, us MBA types are very lame with that.

I was sipping the amazing tea in the corner when I observed this fairly ambitious dude exchanging cards. Okay. That’s normal. But there was a pattern there. The dude was exchanging cards only with the …. very well dressed IT girls there. You know….the ones that make you wait for ‘Casual Friday’! Brainwave! The 13 year old in me goes, “Dude! This is a killer strategy to pick up chicks! Or at least get their phone numbers”. And since I had tried the same in college with this very hot consultant from PWC, I believed the strategy would work. So before any of my colleagues showed up, I decided to work on the same strategy. Hey! We’re MBA types…Strategy runs in our blood! But sometimes, blood clots. Strategy fell flat on its face as the first dame I asked turned out to be part of the organizing team and did not have a card. Retreating back into my shell, I observed as stud-boy seemed to have known something I did not. He had a nice collection of cards by the time the conference started. God Damn well built bastard in his fancy slim-fit suit and blackberry.

Anyway, after that absolutely heinous attempt, I attended the first half of the conference which was actually quite good and got to learn some killer new stuff in business with IT tools. Then comes noon, and time for yet another great conquest with results that I am sure are in my favour. THE BUFFET!!! And yes…they had 4 non veg dishes. Went to a private corner and performed a mini celebration and thanked the lord for keeping this in my life. I lost all decency and public ethical behavior taught to me by my parents and ate about 3 rounds of food. I knew this was a bad combination for the second session, but hey… I did not do my MBA to eat bad food. Maybe the women and fast cars won’t come my way…but I’ve got food! So muhahaha! Bing-fest!

And with all that yummy in my tummy, the second session was pure horror. All the business vanished and out came the developers. OMG! All that jargon and all those questions were in some language I did not understand.(Later turns out the language was Java) Got to blink a lot and feel totally lost in the crowd of developers. Anyway, got to learn some new jargon like this thing called “Tomcat”…obviously, I had a few Jerry-Mouse jokes in my head and something else called B-pause…dunno! Anyway, the lunch had the expected effect on me with all the tech bits coming into play, had to fight sleep! And boy did sleep win!

Anyway, looking forward to more excited business related conferences with many more freebies and lunches.

PS: We MBA in IT types live for freebies.

09 June, 2010

Another Candle to the Cake...

Hello World,
As I add another candle to any cake that I might cut, I find myself thinking about the years gone by, and especially the last few years. And somehow, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. I’m more or less still the same weight I was, have lost more hair, and am starting to join the league of old people with all them old people problems like aching bones and what not. Oh! And I have an MBA degree now…a dream that took almost 10 years in the making. Might not be a big deal for the rest of the people, but considering the fact that most of those sorry-excuses for teachers from middle school had written me off as becoming anything in life, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself. Okay, it’s not great or anything, but I leave with a certain sense of moderate accomplishment. I think there is much more to come.

But what have I really gained over the last year? Good looks? Love? Wisdom? Naaah…none of that ! Definitely not the first two. But I think 26 has given me something pretty important for the years ahead…PERSPECTIVE! You learn to value a lot more of everything in life and tend to throw out all the wasteful activities and day dreaming. Compared to the Nikhilesh from one year ago (who was in terrible pain owing to the fact that the entire boys hostel decided to kick him in the butt as there was an accounting exam the next day…and we all know what accounting does to people), I think I’ve gained a whole lot of maturity on a whole lot of issues. The first being about work…work is no longer that chore I do to earn a wage. You’re at work for the learning and the experience of everything. It is no longer just ‘Money money money’. While I still find it a little hard to forgive myself for going back to IT, I think it is okay, I might grow to like it…someday.

Perspective on relationships, I think this is perhaps the most important thing. From wanting to be the life of the party, loud and obnoxious types, you tend to spend more time with the few people whom you can trust. You tend to find people with whom you can have intelligent conversations on the economy to the most mundane conversation on which flavor of ice cream is better. Basically people you are comfortable with and can be with unconditionally. And in terms of the kind of girls you tend to like( PS: confession coming up here….target audience please take note…call me), you tend to go for the smarter ones rather than the “She is SO HOT!” ones. And I guess all this comes from understanding what you want out of life.

I still can’t help feel a little disappointed on many things, things like how I’m still a bedroom guitarist/song writer and am yet to make it big with any band, things like I still ride an Activa besides being a manager type person and am yet to get the complete hang of driving, things like I’m 26 and still single, things like no matter how hard I try to gym my weight marginally fluctuates….and a whole host of things. But then, I think I am alright as long as I don’t stop trying to change all of that. And that is the kind of determination that comes with 26.

26 brings in a whole lot of insecurities with it too. A certain pressure to make it big asap but you do your best to go slow and steady, insecurities on looks and a receding hairline, insecurities like being accepted by people for who you are and not some person you are not, insecurities of not knowing where your next paycheck will come from if you lose your job, insecurities of becoming irrelevant to your time, insecurities of relationships with friends, insecurities of love and a whole lot of things. But then, like I blogged in a previous article….it’s not worth it if everything is perfect and goes according to plan. You learn much more from the world not turning according to plan and failure. Perfection is something for older days on the other side of 35.

And if I were to ask for gifts this birthday, it would be gifts like ‘patience’, ‘strength’ and ‘honour’. And these can’t be bought anywhere but earned over time. And I think I’ve done pretty well that way. So not exactly jumping for joy at the age of 26 (I might break a hip or something at this age) but not too disappointed either. There is a lot more to come.
Thank You World!

PS: Now that I’m done being philosophical, here’s what I want. Friends and well-wishers take note. I will not accept cash...only kind.

1. A nice car…thinking of a white Volkswagen Beetle
2. A newer cell phone perhaps
3. Definitely a PS3 and a flat screen 32 inch Sony TV (Will settle for Samsung too)
4. A nice high end camera
5. A guitar processor (basic Model will do)
6. An astronomical telescope (Will not spy on neighbours making out)
7. A date with Gul Panag (or Genelia D Souza)…Sigh!
8. A new laptop (Thinking Alienware with a really high end graphics card)
9. A ticket to the finals of the FIFA Worldcup
10. A ticket on a cruise with a guarantee that I would meet the girl of my dreams (or Gul Panag…or Genelia D Souza)

06 June, 2010

I’m a Reader

For those of you who had images of Kate Winslet in your head, please get them out. I still can’t figure out how she even got nominated for that movie…anyway! Disclaimer: the following post is a completely sexist yet obvious post, and I do not wish to be judged on the basis of this post. Am not this creepy in real life(or virtual life….or any other life). So here goes.

I never understood why girls wore t-shirts which had some sort of slogan or writing, or anecdote on them and expect the guys not to read. It’s probably the only reading some guys have ever done in their entire lives.(Humph….typical philistines) But then, when you (you refers to the female population) wear a shirt which has “Eyes up here” written across it, how can you expect us not to look. And some times, girls just try too hard to be cute (or so they think) by wearing a shirt that says “I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people”. Puh-lease…I am not going to believe that when you’ve got dorky glasses on and your hair is all platted up. Black Nail-polish….more than necessary piercings…I might buy the story.

It’s bad enough that some of the t-shirts have slogans, some of them have full length cartoons. I remember this girl who has some super-hero thing going, so I stopped her to read (PS: girl was known to me, so no “Mr.sandal… meet Mr.Face” happened), and was so engrossed in the plot line, I forgot that other people would have misunderstood me for being a total pervert. The girl was kind enough to point this out and the fact I was embarrassing her. But then, why do you people wear clothes that are….for lack of a better word… a ‘catalyst’ for bad behavior from us dudes. The rules don’t apply to a guy who thinks he’s being all ‘dude’ by wearing a shirt that says “FBI :Female Body Inspector” over his well toned 4 pack bicep tricep intercept concept body which has come at the cost of him turning into a human-resembling-ape man with the manners of a Gorilla….which is way ‘Oooh La La’ to the ladies than check shirt wearing, hair in place ,decent, slightly on the larger side of life, MBA grad with Activa, well mannered bloggers. ( The last point was just a random example…not implying anything).

So what does someone of Salman-Rushdie-isk charm and wit like me do when I see a girl with something written on her shirt…I try my best not to read…but sometimes, I just can’t help it. There are ones who decide to wear a ‘Doors’ or a ‘Nirvana’ T-shirt without knowing Morrison from Cobain which has entire lyrics on them. Le Musician in me has to read, and maybe hum the tune too, throw in a little air guitar as well. I am not trying to impress the damsel…no no no…. at least not these “ I luv rock music” ,but I listen to Backstreet Boys because they’re soooooooo cute types . I won’t even get into the details of those who are asking for it by wearing shirts with slogans like’ S** bomb’, ‘I’m lost…take me home!’ T-shirts. The worst was this foreign dame I saw at the mall who had a white T-shirt on that had ‘Got Milk’ written on it (Picture of Superman with the ‘milk moustache’ on the back)….I’m not judging here! But come on….at least she had a sense of humour. Oh wait! She was Blonde! (PS: I was not checking out the girl….but must thank her for inspiring this entry)

A cynic's point of view...I share it.

This came in one of the many forwards in my mail box. ( Sender has been excused for now...but further irrelevant spam will not be tolerated). Found this pretty hilarious and extracted the good parts. This is for the guys.... on how you know a girl likes you....or not.

She plays with her hair while talking to you or while looking at you. (Really? Well it could be that she is using the Dove hair conditioner that makes you want to touch your hair…haven’t seen the ad eh?)
She touches her neck. (Seriously? What if she is having a stiff neck that’s hurting real bad? ).
She looks at you with dreamy eyes and looks at your lips. (Well, about the dreamy thing… Make sure its not dope and as for your lips, may be you got some ketchup or mustard from that sandwich you ate for lunch!).
She laughs at every joke you make even if it’s a crappy one. (Well, may be she is just being polite.)
She blushes when she sees you. (May be she remembers some silly joke about you her friend told her last week.)