23 July, 2010

Flush to disconnect

I’m sure a lot of people…especially the guys will relate to this, maybe some of you even do this and are part of the inspiration for this post. ‘Do what’ you ask? Be disgusting. That’s what. It always annoys me when people take phone calls in the loo. It’s worse when they’re not just saying ‘Busy, will call you in a few minutes.’ But are instead either having long conversations with some customer (who I think they lost after he heard the sound of the flush) or with their significant others (who is now wondering how she fell in love with this filthy pig…after hearing the sound of the flush). The sound of the flush is very integral to the entire plot…..sort of symbolizes the end of the relationship.

It’s out right disgusting. And the new touch screen phones make things even more disgusting. No sir! I would not like to see or touch your iphone any more! It’s even worse if you’re talking to someone assuming they’re comfortably seated …on a chair (just realized ‘comfortably seated’ could mean something else) and you’re having a serious discussion with them and then you hear the sound of the flush. It just totally throws me off my guard and makes me lose my concentration. I imagine germs travelling over the GSM network and giving me some weird illness. I’m a total Monica when it comes to making telephone calls from the loo.

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Me: “ I believe we could look to integrate the two service lines and create a single bundle and take it to the market.

Other: “sure sounds good, maybe we could target a new geo. What do you say?

(Sound of the flush)

Me:”erm..yeah, ok. Talk to you tomorrow

( The above was a fictitious conversation…similar things have happened)

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Me:” Dude, did you check that dame out? Totally hot she looked…. Give me an intro dude.”

Other:” yeah! I have her phone number….give her a call. You want it?

(Sound of the flush)

Me:”erm…no….erm….later dude

(This was also a fictitious conversation….my evil friends do not introduce me to any girls, and even otherwise, I am like ‘Courage the cowardly dog’!)

Assuming the above happened, the first thing that would pop into my head if I were to ever talk to this dame over the phone would be how I got her phone number. Or, every time I hear a flush, I'd think of her. Weird! Creepy! And definite cause for recommending a good shrink! I'm odd at remembering people that way!

What’s worse than all of this? Dude uses the loo…you see him not wash his hands, is still on the phone with the other hand, suddenly recognizes you….either puts his hand out for a handshake...or even worse, pats you on the back! Uggghhhh! And so far, I've only come across guys being disgusting this way....so like some John Mayer song, I appeal to all the girls -Please don't ever pick up your phones in the loo! Allow us men the honour of being disgusting!

20 July, 2010

The beginning of the end

I recently bought myself a new phone…the Nokia E63. Well I sort of exchanged it for my old Samsung phone which to be quite frank, looked fabulous but was marginally better than my old black and white phone from college. And after purchasing the new phone, I’ve slumped into a major depression.

Now before you open a can of ‘I’m your psychologist’ on me, hear me out. The acute depression has come from that fact that I willingly broke one of my golden rules which I had sort of formed in my head, which if broken would signal the death of me….or basically have me surrender free thought and any scope for unconventionality for a steady corporate job. I always thought those manager types with their blackberry type phones were hopeless. I never ever thought it was cool to receive office email on my phone, that’s what the 9-9 gig is for. And no offence to any senior ups reading this, but perpetually working is old school style. Most of my generation does a zillion things, so no offence. And somehow swore I would never willingly buy one of those phones. And here I want to do a million things on my phone, which I could never do on the relatively new Samsung.

And what do I do, I go and buy this. I’m delighted because I can do a zillion things and all these nifty apps. But then, I’ve sold out. It’s over; this was my acknowledgement to life that I am never going to leave the IT industry and all its glory. I’m never going to move out of my comfort zone ever and am going to let conventionality take over me. Next step, work late hours, still remain single, then mummy will hunt for some south Indian bride who post marriage will not allow me to listen to heavy metal or enjoy a good scotch because some good lord said so. And we can kiss non veg goodbye. Will then silently endure working until the end of my days and all my money will go to some stupid kids of mine. That’s it….the end. Thank you and goodnight!

I was chatting with a friend who said that I could have the ‘Rock On’ story happen to me. Madam, let me tell you this….first and foremost, the dude was an investment banker. I still don’t understand how my LIC policy works except that I don’t get money to buy my PS3 right now. I’m a mere manager in an IT company, and we may not admit it, but the rest of the world thinks we are scum. Second, do you honestly think a Prachi Desai type babe will marry me? Have you not seen the way I look? ( I wonder how come a single guy gets love handles?) Last but not least, I have been in many tiny bands, but no one big band…so what band am I getting back to? Nothing. And my ‘Almost Famous’ story isn’t going anywhere either…none of the rock mags want to publish my stuff. (PS: Thanks for trying to cheer me up….but the truth is overwhelming. Okay, not the truth, but the deep dark speculation running through my head)

So this is it my friends, do please come to the funeral. You may not recognize me….I’ll be the overweight, balding IT manager fiddling with his Nokia E63 in the corner. Do bring lilies. I’m not much for flowers, but hey, since we’re any case being conventional going forward, let’s go all the way.

PS: I am now switching to drinking beer as that is the only form of alcohol I can afford, have to pay for the phone na. I think it was this that pushed me over the edge…not the phone. Exchanged scotch whiskey for beer….sigh! It’s all over! And yes, I cannot be optimistic when I've sold myself to this world for the cheapest going rate! And you come to this blog to read about my fairly miserable point of view.....you really would be bored if I were blogging about the economy or something!

10 July, 2010

Sesame Street for IT Managers

For those of you uninitiated with the Sesame Street program, my condolences, you missed on some good ‘childhood’ (notice the quotes…it is a commodity these days). Anyway, Sesame Street had this section where they would have ‘letter of the day’. So if the letter of the day was ….’R’, they’d showcase a whole bunch of tunes and pictures around the letter R…Raccoon, Rabies, Retarded, Rottweiler, Roasted Chicken, Romans, ….or if it were the letter ‘S’, they’d cover ship, sheep, sister, soap, silicon, Pamela Anderson…and …well you get the picture!

I recently read one of the blogs where the writer said that there was a way HR in IT companies could offload their training costs to parents. Teach the kids at home about HR policy, especially considering the fact that almost every college graduate is going to sell their soul to an IT company, why not catch them young? Install swipe cards at home, have a instant coffee machine, casual Friday’s, penalties for coming late to dinner, over promise on number of chocolates to be given and club most of it into the ‘performance bonus’ which is never seen by the kid, and so on.

We can take this a step further and tailor make Sesame Street like programs to teach kids jargon. This brilliant plan came to me when I received a whole bunch of emails from the boss, which dropped a whole bunch of words on me which made no sense. Words like ‘technology cut’, ‘value delivered services’,’ self-realized solutions’, ’solution storyline’…and a whole bunch of such words. And this just isn’t from the boss but a whole bunch of people. It is already painful enough that the MBA grads can only use jargon to show off their degrees (I think this is an inferiority complex issue because the world refuses to accept us in the same league as doctors or lawyers).

Everyday is a god damn ‘jargon’ fest. IT MBA grad rule number 1 “Thou shalt use heavy duty words that really don’t mean anything but are trying to capture what you think you want to say and are hoping that if the minions or equals do not understand it, they will deem you as a superior being. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. And if you can’t do that either, become a private consultant”. It is so annoying; all we do is drop words. So why can’t we teach the next gen all those words. In any case kids don’t understand most of the words they use, so why not acclimatize them to their dron- like future in an IT company.

Kid in class 2 is giving a speech about his family – I live in a collaborative family where every unit while behaving in a silo-like fashion are all bringing some value add to the table, except for my 5-month old baby brother who is somewhat a half baked potato and hence cannot replace the incumbent need to bring value into the family. My father is the primary revenue generating SBU , who is supported by my mother from an on-site model. Mother is the key driver and champion with regard to the nutritional needs of the family unit. My elder sister is a drain on our revenues from her off-shore location in the US, as most of the opex is spent on her collaborative needs with her boyfriend and her opex needs to follow the accepted Gartner model of buying clothes and make up which involves assess->prioritize->procure->refresh cycle which is a market accepted model. I however am a hot potato and am showing great potential to drive new expense models. I believe an initial investment is being made to ensure that I too proactively become part of the revenue model of the family unit.


I am now planning to request HR to include a daily mailer which goes out “Jargon of the day”, and the winner would be one who can use the word (appropriately or inappropriately) during the course of the day. They would be given a taxable cash prize of Rs.500 which would be given upon completion of 5 years of service with the company. Please note, the winner who wins more than 3 times is now the “Jargon Champion” and will be felicitated in the cafeteria with a free meal upon completion of 7 years of continuous service. (PS: Now I am thinking like HR too….muhahahaha…. murder by clauses and sub-clauses).

Today’s word for the day – Competency-based Advantage.

Heard around the office, “ My wife really must not attempt to cook idli, it is not part of the Competency-based Advantage cooking skill she has

I really like that babe in the other department, but I don’t have a Competency-based Advantage over that moron she is going around with in her department.

I’d like to review these presentations to determine our Competency-based Advantage.

There remains a Competency-based Advantage for me looking at our strategic based alliance going forward.

And heard by the new recruits in the engineering department, “ Machaan…..that marketing fellow who graduated from our college is using this word - Competency-based Advantage. Must be some big thinking shit da…we’ll also use of. Then we’ll also get a promotion” “Dai….you know what it means?” “Machaan…..they were using in that presentation thing….it must be something big…don’t think too much…just use it”


07 July, 2010

Why so depressed?

Ever notice any of this big CEO – manager type fellows going to work in their big fancy Audi or Mercedes? Those chaps just don’t seem happy at all. In fact, they don’t even look moderately pleased with the fact that they can access their blackberry and laptop in a nice spacious air-conditioned car while the poor premier B-school grad who makes all their ppts gets a free sun tan in Bangalore traffic while standing near his Activa. (Am not hinting at anything….random example I say)

I’ve been stuck in traffic way too many times this month (PS: World Cup…so have been waking up late for work) and am spending my spare time conducting my own little empirical study. My conlusion: “ The degree of the frown on the CEO's face is directly proportional to the status of the car he drives”. I understand that you chaps have empires that are precariously balanced on the tip of a pin and that one wrong decision from you will crumble an empire, but do you have to look that f**ked up in life? Ever heard of this concept of smiling? Dude is sitting in the back seat with a frown on his face that reminds me of a UKG kid who was just told that he won’t get any chocolate and is not allowed to play outside. Next to him, fancy Macbook and iPhone in hand. Dude has even got a driver whose white outfit is worthy of being in an Ariel v/s Tide detergent ad. And yet this CEO fellow seems so depressed.

Fresh manager grad (who is still single) and can’t afford a car, let alone a driver is standing in the sun bobbing his head to his favourtite tune on the ipod (which for all practical purposes is his paramour), and grumpy CEO stares and goes right back to sending that all important email to his secretary, “ Will be late…postpone meetings by ten minutes .Make that another 10 minutes in case we….ahem….go over your dictation”.

You know what the problem with you CEO types is? You’ve come so far and you’re just not enjoying yourself. Stop reading that paper. Get the f**k out of the back seat and drive your own car to work…turn the volume way up loud and head bang. Allow your driver to read the newspaper to you. I am sure you did not do all that hard work and buy that fancy car to let some class 8 pass driver drive it. Quoting the Joker “WHY SO SERIOUS?” Get a life, when you get new recruits in the company, look to change the culture…don’t try and make them into mini versions of you. No wonder people hate their work…they are so busy trying to be the grumpy CEO. I’d choose my Activa (hypothetically speaking) and being single (again hypothetically speaking) and head banging to my iPod than to be grumpy, owning a fancy car I never drive, corner office with a view I never look out of and being married to a woman I rarely meet because I’m so busy selling my soul to the corporate devil.

04 July, 2010

Permanence

"Hey, those are some really nice tattoos...."

"thanks!"

"Are those permanent?"

"Yeah....permanent!"

"Soooo....when do they go away...or like come off?"

"Erm...permanent!"

02 July, 2010

Simple logic Pt.1 (the first of many random parts)

I normally don't share private chats, but this was one of those many epiphanies in my life where I come up with logic that shatters the very fabric of time and space.....must share with the world.


Friend : Heading to the Rocky Mountians this weekend da

me: hey....you'll be eating chocolate flavoured chocolate chip ice cream on the road na
then it would be rocky road

Friend:yeah

me: ROFL

Friend:sure

me: I kill myself

Friend: i'll only do that!

me: sorry...my american geography sucks...

Friend:mine too... but ur PJs suck even worse

me: dooooode
what ya expect
if PJs got better...they lose the P
and they are plain Js....
so the point is to make them worse

Friend: with that sentence, i think my IQ took a dip of about 30 points!