30 December, 2010

2010 – The year that was…

Oh screw it! You don’t want to listen to how I thought 2010 was an awesome year….I got the MBA, I got a job, I have a study loan, I got my fourth tattoo, I got an expensive watch, I got the car….THE CAR!!! Thrilled? No? You don’t come here to read about mundane office stuff like ’10 ways to spend 8 hours in the office looking busy without accomplishing anything’,’ What ties match with which shirts’ or ‘ Office Stationary – How much of it can you take home and how often?’. You definitely don’t want to read on ‘ Why Cloud computing is so hazy a concept’, ‘ How to automate your CRM applications’ or something like that. You come here to read about how miserable life can really be and how to make lemonade when life gives you lemons.

So here goes my prayer for 2011….

Dear God,
First and foremost, forgive all atheists. They don’t know the miracle it took you to ensure I got a half decent education. Singing, “Then I saw my degree…now I’m a believer”. So thanks for that miracle! Now what do I want for 2011? A whole lot of things…. I hope to fight for world peace. Whoa…wait, sorry. Wrong audience! For starters, please ensure life remains interesting enough for me to churn out many more blog entries. My life is almost like a cheap knock-off of ‘How I met your mother’ without a Barney or a Robin….yes, no Robin! Hey, I said ‘ALMOST’! So let’s hope more and more interesting things happen in life…. More ‘Kids… I met this girl in the summer of 2011…. We had a great time, then she introduced me to her husband!’, but I wont be sharing those on the blog….sorry! Jokes apart, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some really interesting people, so keep that coming.
PS: It would be nice if I could make some money off this blog, or some other writing venture. Fellas from Rolling Stone Magazine….time to make me ‘Almost Famous’.

I also wish that this year, I could lose some weight. 3 months of swimming in the cold early morning waters is not helping much. May I be like a young George Clooney by the time I’m 27…and I don’t mean on the grey hair bit. Am not looking for a six pack or anything, but it would be nice to walk into a store and not ask,’ Is this the largest size you’ve got?’ or ‘Does this come in something with an elastic waist band?’

I really hope that I can go somewhere with my music. By no means am I a good guitarist, but I have a whole lot of heart. And that counts, or should count for something in today’s music world. Please allow me one major concert with/without a band. It would also be great if you can get one of Metallica, Pearl Jam, U2 or John Mayer to India this year. If not, please ensure I make enough money to go abroad for a show. Speaking of abroad, turns out almost all my friends are going abroad. I’m not too crazy to go and work there and stuff, but I would love a holiday there. So please help me save up enough so that I may afford one foreign vacation. Or at least introduce me to a nice wealth advisor. It would also be cool if the wealth advisor was an eligible dame. And not the geeky finance types if you know what I mean. No offence meant to geeky finance types, but why do you have to be so numbers-driven? It would also be cool if you could help me out with some more money too. Bottom-line is one thing….. but I love the top-line too. ( Yeah…and he’s making fun of geekyfinance types. Blaaaaaady MBA fellow.)

Thanks for the whole ‘maturity’ and ‘responsibility’ trip. But it would be nice if I could think a little more with my heart and less with my wallet. Not too much, just a little. Not as little as a smurf….but maybe as little as a hobbit. Yup, that’s about right…..hobbit-little-like. So I hope this year, I can finally buy a PS3 and not say shit like,’ Hmm… make hay while the sun shines but save for a rainy day.’ And end up putting that money in the bank. This ‘Wants vs. Needs’ debate in my head makes me feel old.

At the end of it all, I ask you for the standard gift of ‘patience’…and every year, you pull that GNR crap on me. Dude! I pioneered that joke….don’t pull it on me. No, seriously. With everyone I know living bits and pieces of my dreams and the life I hope for, I need a whole bunch of patience this coming year. Hope that I don’t give in and become a total corporate sell-out. And if I do sell-out, may I be a rich sell-out. May there be less wars in the world, may the price of petrol and onions drop…. I find it ridiculous that I take my car…you know…’my’ car all the way to the Pav Bhaji stand only to see that he does not give onions with the dish. It’s almost blasphemous…Pav Bhaji with no onion. May Manchester United win the league this year…double would be too much to ask for. May I finally get a band to play with/in.

Last but not least, let all my friends and family, and dear blog readers have a great new year ahead and let all their hopes and dreams be realized.
Regards,
The Great One

PS: I have not mentioned you introducing me to ‘The One’ in the letter because that’s a favour I want to take after 2012. You see, if the world is going to end, I don’t see the point in spending time just to see it (effort spent wooing 'The One') all go up in flames( or volcanic lava). So, if we’re still around Dec 20, 2012, then you can introduce me to 'The One'.

PPS: This applies only to God. You mortals may continue to attempt to help.

27 December, 2010

General ranting because I’m too bored to focus….

Why do I have to work this week? It’s a sin to make anyone work this week. There are hardly any people in the office, all my customers and partners are on leave, so why am I at the office? And we all know that nothing productive is going to happen this week, so why am I being tortured to think of what goals/tasks to accomplish this week? I normally never have a problem, but this week, I don’t care. I am weak this week. I want to stay snug in bed and watch season 1 of Glee.

All of a sudden I want to go abroad. Not because everyone I know are going abroad. But I’m bored here. And I am terribly jealous of all the music shows my friends get to attend while all we get is Bryan Adams for the fourth time. When is Metallica, U2, John Mayer, others coming? There I said it. I am jealous of people who go to better music shows than I do. I want to go abroad. This loan business is killing me financially, and by the time I save up to go….some other crappy responsibility will come through. This sucks! Responsibility sucks! Life is moving too slow....I want things to happen NOW!

I felt lousy this Christmas because no one gave me any presents. Was hoping for a Christmas miracle, but the good lord discounted all my good deeds for the year. Come on dude! The last time I did something evil to someone was when I broke that guy’s tooth in class 8, you can’t hold that grudge against me. I thought 4 years of engineering was supposed to be enough punishment, apparently not. Shame on you for doing this to me! There are more evil people in the world and they seem to be getting all the gifts (thinking Mr.Raja and Mr.Kalmadi) while I don’t even get a lump of coal. No presents…no miracles…only lousy informal greetings on FB where people tagged me and I spent most of Sunday morning clearing up reply message posts on those same greetings where their friends/family had replied.
PS: I bought a ‘Bournville’ and had it all by myself…..merry xmas to me!

I finally saw ‘It’s a wonderful life’ this Christmas. I loved the movie. Tried thinking how the world would be without me…turns out I did not like the picture. I have done nothing to help my fellow man. But then, fellow man did not give me Christmas gift. Fellow woman burnt mistletoe when I was around….so bah humbug! PS: It’s a nice movie…do watch!

23 December, 2010

Signs (not directed by M.N.Shyamalan)

It seems almost everyone I know is getting married, or engaged, or looking to get married. Apparently we’re all of marriageable age, or so they tell me. It’s almost crazy as to the amount of money I’m spending attending weddings and all my leaves saved up from work are utilized on traveling to weddings. I’ve got quite a few friends, colleagues who say that me attending weddings is a clear sign that I am going to be married soon. After the initial laughter and rolling on the floor, from my side, dies down, I share a great lesson from childhood with them….

Me: “ Mum, but all the boys are doing it this way….”
Mom: “ If everyone jumps in the well, will you also jump in the well?”

The above lesson has never made more sense to me than now. It’s amazing as to how these silly childhood lessons learnt come in handy now. Like the following which is a foolproof method to ensure you don’t have to share food with anyone – ever had to share your ice cream with people with whom you don’t want to share? I don’t mean the people…but the fact that you have to share, and you’ve had to grin and bear and share (that rhymed….awesome!). What would you do if you were 6 years old (or 26 in my case)??? Simple lick the ice cream and offer it to anyone….and since cooties was the big disease back then, rest assured no one wanted your ice cream any more. PS: This worked even during my MBA.

Earth to tangent, please return to initial trajectory….. anyway, back to the whole wedding bit, it’s not like I am against the whole institution of marriage or anything of the sort, but I find it ridiculous that yours truly is at this point in time qualified to be married. I’ve just about started making some money, buying fancy stuff, getting my bearings in life right, and the car….you read about the car right? Muhahaha….so how is it that all of a sudden I am eligible to be married based on the fact that I am attending a wedding every fortnight?

I’ve not even met ‘the one’, so how is me attending other people’s weddings make me eligible to be married? By that logic, now that I own a car, it’s a sign that Ferrari would be calling me up to replace Massa as primary driver for next season….and the fact that I play guitar means Joe Satriani would be inviting me to be part of the next avatar of G3….and the fact that we won the intra-corporate football tournament, with me as goal-keeper is a sign that I will be taking on the same responsibilities at Manchester United after Edwin Van Der Sar retires.

Dear friends, all it means is that I am going to be putting on a lot of weight by the end of this wedding season and am going to have to go to VLCC to ensure my clothes still fit. Attending weddings and hence being eligible for marriage is almost as stupid as how merely attending classes at an engineering college would make you an actual engineer. (You knew that was coming!!!)

21 December, 2010

2nd Greatest Inheritance

It’s finally happened. As of last week, I received what I regard is the second best inheritance ever. I got dad’s old car while he decided to go in for a new one. I am now the proud owner of an 8 year old Santro which is in very good condition (minor repairs needed). First things first, the music system got the much needed upgrade. Previously, it only had a radio and would play tapes….tapes? You remember those things you put into Walkmans? Remember Walkmans? Anyway.

At least for the next few months, you are guaranteed a pleasant demeanor from me. You, dear reader, will no longer have to hear embarrassing Activa stories. Now you will hear stories of how an old lady in a Scorpio drove me off the road or something like that. Or stories of how I am now the official chauffer for all relatives who come to town. Dad no longer has to drive them around, as I am single with no scope and armed with a car….so we might as well put me to good use. PS: The latter is true. Before I get angry and wonder how I got conned into these responsibilities, I ask myself, “What would Spiderman say?”….'With great power comes great responsibilities.'

Some friend’s all seem to be of the same opinion that going forward, the dating scene for me should improve. I still fail to see how. They are convinced, so I guess some of us have to be blindly optimistic. How is me driving an 8 year old Santro supposed to impress anyone? Unless that is going to help me lose weight....Anyway, all that apart, I look forward to taking those long drives into the country side on weekends, and am happy to no longer have to battle the rain and cold en route to work. And that is good enough for me right now. So yaaaay! Proud owner of a 4 wheeler. woo hoo !!!!!

14 December, 2010

I’ve got a feeling…

…that tonight’s going to be such a good night! This probably isn’t a song you want running on your ipod (or Zune…you Microsoft bastards) while travelling by air in the USA. Now don’t jump to conclusions that my company made a lot of money and sent me there, and then mail me to bring you chocolates and iphone 4. This following post comes out of the big debate going on world-wide regarding the newly found P.O.A (Perves of America) aka the TSA. For the uninitiated, the TSA (Transport Security Administration) are a bunch of pervs who grope people at airport…kind of like an employed version of pervs on Delhi or Chennai buses looking to grope women. Their job is to literally pat you down, and I don’t mean like the fellow at the PVR entrance who frisks you for ciggies. They apparently have been authorized to put their hands wherever they want on you.

And this isn’t limited to the kind of search you see on all these perfume ads where a lady cop in rather tight clothing frisks a guy who suddenly opens his shirt to show off washboard abs and she allows him through security, even though he robbed the ATM outside the airport. This involves groping of grannies, fat hairy men, fat hairy ladies, and even kids. And it is outright weird….especially from the reports coming on the news and the net, the whole process is outright twisted. Apparently, they’re frisking for everything….imagine, you could be hiding a block of C4 up your butt or precariously caressing a Walther ppk gun down your bra. That’s how those terrorists do it apparently.

Dear Moron at the TSA, the last time you got screwed, they used an airplane. I cannot hide an airplane on me. No one can. If they want to smuggle guns in, they just go down to the friendly neighborhood nigga and get one. He’ll probably throw in some crack too. People smuggling drugs would have it up their butts…same with diamonds. Only an idiot would keep it in plain sight. AK 47s don’t sell as much as Ingrams do. I’m sure you’re gun pimp can get you one of that as well. So feeling up grandma’s and kids isn’t really helping anyone. Think about it. Also, PS: my extensive knowledge in these matters comes from the many Hollywood movies I see, which you guys make. The only smuggling I have ever done was a pencil box with formulae on the underside into the internal test hall during engineering. I was caught , I don’t know to cheat.

How does one recruit people for this sort of a job? Do they have to undergo some sort of boot camp? What does the recruitment ad look like? Wanted: “ People who would like to get in touch with other people. Must have soft hands. Preferred use of moisturizer and aloe vera cream. In the business of making others ‘feel good’ about themselves. Matter of national concern. People with granny,chubby and foot fetishes would be given preference. If you are a pedophile, we’ve got the next best legal thing for you. If you’re gay, there is no better forum to help you come out of the closet. Uncle Sam wants you….to feel him!”

I also hear that apparently, at the end of the experience they give you a ‘customer satisfaction’ card. WTF? Satisfaction card? ‘Kindly rate how our experienced personnel groped you…very poor…poor…fair…good…excellent’, ‘ Did our personnel greet you with a smile?’,‘ Do you wish to sign up for our special services gold membership where we will ensure our personnel wear rubber gloves? Our platinum membership would have our personnel grope you with silk gloves?’ First and foremost, how the hell am I a customer? Did I pay for this? Was it part of my ticket cost? If you outsource these operations to India, will the cost of service get lowered?

Personally, I think this is America being paranoid. And I still fail to see how this improves homeland security. Giving the devil their due, I think they can plan enough to get around the extremely, trained and qualified TSA squad. It’s all part of a government conspiracy to keep it’s citizens and tourists in a perpetual state of fear so they can do as they wish. I’m right now dreading any trips to the US. I thought the shoe-removing bit was weird enough. And now to have a weird guy feel me up, eeewwwww! PS: I will not complain if hot lady cop with tight shirt (like in the axe deo ads) wants a piece of the real estate.

On another note, they can sign up Katrina Kaif as spokesperson. She did that, 'Zara zara touch me touch me' song from Race. I was going to say Michael Bolton ( Anyone remember his hit song 'Can I touch you there?'), but known fact that women spokespersons are more believable.