To be a Marked Man...

I’m back from Mumbai where I had attended my cousin’s wedding. Everything seems bleak because thanks to my cousin, we are now about 3 people away from yours truly becoming the next subject of attention of all the relatives for marriage. Nevertheless, thanks to the absence of the 3 before me, guess who was given the spotlight? So kanna, when are you getting married? Next year no? You should lose little weight by then ok?(prods my slightly large tummy).

It’s amazing as to how many people seem more interested in seeing you get married than you are yourself. Most of the relatives were keener than my parents. ‘Do you drink? Do you eat non veg? Why the tattoos? Do you have a girlfriend? Is she tamilian? Are any of the tattoos because of her? What do you do in your spare time? What do you watch on TV? Why do you not sing carnatic music? Do you say Gayatri mantram? Where do you go with friends? Are any of those friend’s girls? Do you have a car? How fast do you drive? What do you think of a live-in relationship? Do you cook? How much does your watch cost? Are you a ‘project manager’ in your company? Why are you not a ‘project manager’ in your company? When are you going to the US? Does your company not send people to the US? Have you any plans of buying land or an apartment this year?’…. it goes on and on and on. What happened to all the aunts who saw me coming a mile away and laid out food on their tables? Why the Gestapo like questions?

Clearly, they were not ‘catching up’. This is what we refer to as ‘Primary market analysis’ where all the aunts get information into some common database (managed by Infosys…where their son/son-in-law is project manager in Chick-a-go, yaamerica) and do a quick correlation when one of their own require certain criteria to be matched when looking for a groom. And they’ve all been using cloud-computing way before anyone knew what it was…their database is always up-to-date with all the relevant patch fixes and never seems to go down.

I am now officially petrified of attending any more weddings where relatives would be present. They have all the information they need; I’m now a wanted man. Very soon, they will begin introducing me to random girls and will begin telling me their qualification and expect me to be floored. Nuh-uh...no way.... this is not happening.(This song has been running in my head for some odd reason) I was saving up for a PS3, but now I plan on moving that money to a the ‘I-need-to-get-to-Cuba’ fund.

PS: Anyone wondering why Cuba? India and the US, the two places in the world with the most tam-brams, diplomatically, don’t talk to Cuba… won’t bother hunting for me there. Mojitos for breakfast, lunch and dinner….