23 September, 2011

A some-what indecent proposal

I’m not sure if you remember me telling you that I am in a band which has been put together by the music school where I go to. Anyway, that’s the band, we have a 12 year old drummer and a 12 year old guitarist. My guitarist is one of those wonder kids who plays drums ,keyboard and guitar….not at the same time though. Or else he would not need to be in this band. Anywhooo….there are times his mum comes to the practice sessions. Yes….you read that right. My band gets chaperoned….you know, just in case these big boys teach him the F word, and talk about promiscuous sex and alcoholism…because I’d so do that. The tattoos and all…you know. Don’t trust the chubby boy, he seems oddly happy all the time, must be some valium he has in the morning. These tattoo fellows are like that only. BTW, my guitar player wants us to play “cocaine” for an upcoming show…..and asks me what is cocaine and why is this Clapton guy singing about it? And why does she not lie? Auntyji….you are supposed to teach him all these things at home and send for practice. I am not here to answer embarrassing questions. It’s a good thing he thinks Mary Jane is a song about Spiderman’s girlfriend.

Anyway, during one of these practice sessions, we decided to take a break. Auntyji suddenly enquires as to whether I have non-veg and drink those things. “Those things”?!?!?!?! I asked her as to why she’s asking me. She replies,” You are Brahmin no? I saw you are wearing that thread. But I wanted to ask if you eat chicken and all that?” Spidey-sense tingling….must be the Mary Jane I smoked before I came to practice! “Erm….I do…but why do you ask?” *Insert drumroll*

Auntyji replies”Noooo. You see….there is this girl. Brahmin girl only. She is a carnatic singer. She wants to marry a boy who is also in music. I know you are not in classical music, but you understand struggles of musician in this place. Also, the girl’s guru is here and she wants to settle in Bangalore only. So if you marry her, you can support her music career no????”

My jaw hit the floor faster than the permissible rate of acceleration due to gravity. First and foremost, my 12 year old guitarist’s mum is trying to set me up with a girl….and she expects me to “support” that girl? What the devil do I look like? A crossbeam or a push-up bra to be supporting anything? I can barely support myself….and here she expects me to not only marry a woman, but I am also expected to support her music career. I unfortunately had to tell auntyji that I am not interested in getting married at the moment. Reply comes, “ You are 27 no? Already you are old….you should get married.” “ No no no no no no no no no no……”

PS: At least she was kind enough to try and set me up with a girl….which is more than what my “friends” (open and close double quotes) have done in my 27 years. Humph....

13 September, 2011

How was I to know?

I happened to go ‘shopping’ with two of my woman friends over the weekend, I guess it was ‘window-shopping’ because I was the only one who ended up actually buying anything. We’ll call these friends ‘J’ and ‘K’ for now (Saw MIB 2 yesterday). So J tells K that J is going to buy Mac. Yours truly gets very very excited and says in a slightly high pitch tone, “No way….you’re getting a Mac. That’s awesome. Which model are you going for?” J realizes that there is obviously some part of the plot that I’m missing and both seem a little confused as to why I would be getting excited about someone buying a Mac.

“Erm…which model? Mac Book pro???” J clarifies that there are no references being made to laptops here and that Mac is apparently a cosmetics brand. So it’s M.A.C and not Mac. (leviooooosa, not leviosaaaa). Hey, I can’t help it. To any straight guy, working(slaving) in an IT company, if you say Mac…it either means the laptop or the burger. And since we just had lunch, I knew it could not be the burger.(Or could it????)

Also, how the devil am I supposed to understand that ‘tube’ is short for ‘tube-top’. I was starting to wonder why these ladies were discussing plumbing issues. Shouldn’t tubes be concealed, so how does it matter what colour they are? The same for ‘Spaghetti’…. If you say things like spaghetti, I can only think of food. There is no way, even if I really really tried that I would imagine a Genelia D’Souza type dame wearing a spaghetti-top ahead of an actually plate of ever so gorgeous spaghetti and meatballs. I’m a foodie, there is no way I am programmed to think of women ahead of food.

PS: Which one of you guys know that 'Anarkali' is a type of Salwar Design?