17 October, 2011

Mujshe Fraaaandhsip Karoge???? erm...no!

 Spoiler Alert: There will be references to the movie. When I say ‘you’, I refer to the geniuses who write such fabulous scripts and the bigger geniuses who pay for such movies to be made.

I just got back from watching ‘Mujhse Fraandship Karoge’, a fairly disappointing movie in the romantic sense. Not much rom...and a little bit of com. Allow me to explain. I don’t believe I’m a very romantic person, but I know you can’t portray love in the same way in every darn movie. Boy and girl fight…boy and girl realize they love one another….boy and girl confess….boy and girl fight again…boy or girl deliver dialogue at the end to make the audience sigh (and one person groan in pain) and then they kiss and make up and live happily ever after. Same story…every darn movie. ‘Break ke Baad’,’I hate luv Stories’,’DDLJ’…..and this one too. Do you all have to derive your inspiration from ‘When Harry met Sally’…which by the way, I thought was a very adorable movie.

There has got to be more to romance than this same old formula. If this were to hold true in real life, I’ve got a very long list of women I’ve fought with and have put in my ‘mortal enemy for life’ list that I need to reconnect with. And why do they all have to be sooooooo filmy….yes, I know, it is a film, but why so filmy? Why can’t you make a normal story without the melodrama and songs and excessive drinking by boy when he professes love to girl….or excessive drinking by theater goer because he can’t believe he paid money to watch THAT movie. Seriously chaps, wise up. I’m a critic, so don’t come and ask me to write a story for you. (FYI, the Dev D type story was fairly accurate….I know more stories of that type)

Next bone to pick. Why is it that you always portray the fat guys as morons? Seriously? Why? Do you have a problem with fat guys? Come on…to my face you son of a….yeah! Every movie, the fat guy is large, wears goofy shirts, has a beard, wears glasses and is always the comic relief. Even if it means you strip him down, give him a guitar and make him do a sick dance on a webcam for your ‘I used to be a moron and girls like me’ hero to upload on youtube or something like that. Being a gravitationally challenge person who does play guitar, I am very offended by the portrayal of my people in your movies. Also, why is he the only ‘fat guy’ in the entire movie???? You have a college full of students and there is this one fat guy only? Something is so wrong here. All you thin people are going to join an IT services company and have beer bellies by the time you are 30….just watch!

And what’s up with these colleges where these kids study? All the time they seem to be preparing for some fest, have random guys hanging around parking lots with their guitars playing some tune or the other, there is always a bunch of girls practicing for some dance or the other, the principal is always a fat guy and the main teacher is always this babe type person (thinking of Sushmita Sen from ‘Main Hoon Na’). And everyone are having a perpetual good time partying, hanging out, going on long drives and all the stuff most serious college going kids don’t do. What about real problems? Lack of money, worrying about exams, no placement in final year, job hunting, having to hang out with the rich kids when you don’t have very much yourself, problems about identity, peer pressure, bullying…all that?  But no, college is fun guys! All you do is hang out all the time and get drunk. Weird college people go to in the movies. I do not want to even get started on the dressing style. And no one seems to be suffering from acne and none of the guys have hit puberty…..except the hairy fat guy, but you can’t see the pimples because the beard covers it up.

And what’s with this sudden love for rock bands and rock stars? Suddenly every hunk is the rockstar of the college….guitar wielding, lyric belting idiot with his six pack and black vest. And aviator glasses….forgot important ingredient. And they all get steady gigs and everyone knows them. Please find me a college going band that has reached this great level of popularity worthy of the great Anu Malik. Bands in real colleges struggle to have to gain acceptance because the teaching staff see them as the devil. If they are in a city like Bengaluru, you won’t get that many gigs to play at except college fests. It’s not as easy as the movies make it out to be. Idiots. 

Also, why the sudden fascination with football ? You cricket supporting buggers suddenly want the Premier League? Sure....moronic hero takes bimbo heroine to a sports bar in the middle of the day to watch a Manchesters united vs Chelsea match. The idiot is hitting on her saying he'll switch sides from ManUtd to Chelsea for her....dear girl, if a guy is willing to switch clubs for you, and that to come from ManUtd to Chelsea, please leave him RIGHT NOW! He will cheat on you! Written guarantee....in blood....S.C.Bose style! And what's with the sports bar where you went to "see" the match and yet you spend time hitting on one another???? I don't get it. And where are the other fans in that darn sports bar or were you two the only coochie-coos there?

All this apart, I managed to sit through the movie owing to the gorgeous Tara D’Souza and to some extent Saba Azad. At least you made the way she looked while crying seem almost genuine. The rest of the movie was a somewhat painful affair. Maybe I've outgrown such movies. I should have gone for ‘Real Steel’ instead.

PS: Chicks on Bullet bikes was so Katrina Kaif....so stop doing it!

16 October, 2011

When was the last time?

First, watch this video. It has gone fairly viral the last few days….so in case, you’ve not seen this…WATCH!

This is true happiness. Something that seems to be in short supply these days. I had tears in my eyes because I wanted so much to be this kid and feel so much happiness that it drives me to tears. Remember being kids? Fabulous times it was….parents would buy you a 10 buck chocolate bar and would tell you that it was “all yours” and you felt so darn happy. Where have those times gone? Being a grown up SUCKS….sucks like a leech on the thigh of a fat juicy cow.

Even buying stuff does not make one happy like this anymore. Yes, you look back and feel so cool that you can buy a ticket for a movie or a show and don’t have to beg and plead for money and then be given conditions like ‘getting so and so grade in class’ and all that. I’ve wanted to buy a PS3 for the longest time ever…but when I got it, I was happy, but not this happy. The next item of purchase that I will be whining about for a few years is going to be a Fender guitar. For the uninitiated, a Fender is the dream guitar for anyone looking to seriously play the ‘Blues’….it is like the Jesus Christ of guitars. Anyway, I spent all of Sunday morning in the neighbourhood music instrument store trying out a whole bunch of guitars (I went in to buy a 20 buck pick) and when I played the Fender, it felt so cool…..almost like when Harry Potter got his wand in Diagon Alley. The guitar called out to me….in parseltongue. But then, I was not ‘this’ happy. I want ‘this’happy….the happiness where I am so overcome with joy that I weep like a little girl….erm…yes, like this little girl. I will even do a happy-dance. And will record it and put on youtube.

I can’t remember the time I was so thrilled about something. Not even graduation from MBA college that has left me with nothing but a loan at this point in time. They say it gets better, I hope so. What maybe came close was when I went for my first Iron Maiden concert….and I’m sure I’m going to get giddy with excitement at the upcoming Metallica concert. But even then, I won’t be soooooo happy. So dear reader and friends, the ball is in your court. Since the parental unit don’t plan surprises like this, I’m ruling them out of the picture.

PS: Can any of you help me meet Metallica and get my guitar signed by them?

05 October, 2011

Working for a Big4 firm...

 Note: I got this forward from a friend with only the main points in place. Being an MBA (now go oooooooooh.....aaaaaaaahh) I had to respond to these allegations that make big corporate firms seem like Mount Doom when actually they are like the Shire with everyone having a really good time. Hence, my response to the points in-line. Also note, the following comments are a work of fiction and bear no relation to companies existing (especially the organization I work for). We love you corporate buggers!

You know you work for a Big4 Firm when.. ;-)
(Note: Big4 fanatics and people without sense of humour need not read any further)

1.        You are referred to as a ‘resource’.

I am referred to the one that quit to do his MBA and still came back here…. Or in other words ‘victim of the recession’.

2.        You thank the heavens for an early pack-up for the day at 9 pm.

You mean I am allowed to leave before 9 PM???? And not apply for half a day’s leave?

3.        Late sitting means 3-4 A.M.

Yes, but that’s only with my guitar or the PS3

4.        You earn well but can’t find the time to visit an ATM.

Kindly explain this “earn well” concept to me.

5.        You gain weight and lose hair in an equal proportion.

Erm….always been on the gaining side of weight.

6.        You’ve been ditched by your GF cuz you kept missing your dates on a consistent basis.

Ditched by my what?

7.        Weekends are great pleasure. Atleast you can wear casuals to work u see!

I work from home on the weekends.

8.        You start classifying personal problems as below or above the de-minimus threshold.

The only problems one has is that ‘One is not doing enough to improve share-holder value’. The other problems are inconsequential.

9.        Most of your festivals are celebrated with your colleagues at work.

Phew. Dodged that bullet!

10.        You get clueless upon being asked, ‘What time you shall leave today from work?’

I get clueless upon asked anything related to work.

11.        You have to fight with your seniors for allowing an off on an official holiday.

Guess who is taking the day off tomorrow come what may?

12.        The first thing you consider while planning your marriage date is whether you’d get an off around that time for your marriage or not!

Am still in the ‘Can I afford to think of the concept of marriage?’ phase. Will cross this bridge when I come to it. Kindly refer to point 6.

13.        You start assessing ‘inherent’ & ‘control’ risk associated with your potential girlfriend.

Again…potential who???? Point 6 people....please read!

14.        Your laptop replaces your wife as your ‘Constant lifelong companion’

My ipod has already done that hypothetically assuming point 12 ever happens.

15.        You get to hear this dialog atleast once a day from someone but nothing happens, ‘Had hai yaar.. Bahot ho gaya.. Main papers daal raha hoon’ (Enough is enough.. I’m resigning)

Oh no. No way! We all love the company! God promise! (fingers crossed behind back)